Kink: the Alchemy of Play
On Play, Kink, Mischief, and Liberation
Art: The Cube by Mozhgan Espirozhir, collected on Tezos
Mischief makers are, ironically, some of the most serious people in the world. As a mischief maker myself, I know one thing we hold dear; stirring the pot. If you’re cooking and you refuse to stir the pot, you suck at cooking.
This article came about during the research process for the RADAR DAO Play Report, in which I was a core contributor. Check out the report here.
One thing that seems to stir the most rational of pots is sex. Sex is a large umbrella that contains sex work, pornography, kink, intimacy, spirituality, and, above all else, play. You simply need to piece two words together to see what I mean: adult play.
If we’re still on the same page, allow me to stir your pot a bit. Play is no fun without mischief, and there is no spice as savory as a hot take. Here’s mine: all sex is inherently kinky. From the most vanilla pair of Christian Midwestern newlyweds to the most sordid acts caught on camera for kink.com (a surprisingly wholesome and empowering company, I highly recommend the 2014 documentary Kink), all sex is kinky sex.
Kink can be defined as any sexual proclivity that strays from the norm. Underneath that, any kink, if you dig deep enough, goes back to the principles of BDSM: bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism. Not sounding very playful, huh? Well, if you shine a flashlight on bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism, there are two clear pillars: power and control. Whether the person enjoys controlling someone else (dominant, or as us queer folk like to call it, a top) or wants to submit complete control (submissive and, you guessed it, a bottom) there is inherent power play. Oftentimes, in a healthy sub/dom dynamic, the sub is the one with the most power. Before we start unpacking that, the pot needs another stir and a bit more spice.
Kink Saves Jimmy from Becoming Jim
Let’s go back to the Christian Midwestern newlyweds. We’ll call them Kendra and James, but his friends call him Jimmy. They have saved themselves for marriage, so the first time they both have sex is with each other. They both find themselves thinking, ‘was that it? not sure what all the fuss was about, that was unsatisfying.’ However, Kendra has been taught that her husband was the one in control, especially in the consummation of marriage, and that it was her job to accommodate him, which is the exact job description of a submissive in a dom/sub relationship. Jimmy has been taught that his role as a husband was to control the sexual relationship between him and his wife for the rest of their lives, aka, a ride-or-die dom. Since they’ve been conditioned to believe that anything outside of these assigned roles was shameful, they never communicate anything about their sexual desires, boundaries, or experiences with each other.
Believe it or not, Jimmy has always secretly desired to be completely dominated by his wife and when his urge to play overpowers his collapse into shame, he imagines her dragging him around on a leash and making him grovel at her 3” platform leather boots. Since Kendra is the perfect wife who would be totally horrified if she knew this disturbing perverse desire of his, he never says a word about it to anyone.
Meanwhile, Kendra finds herself daydreaming about making Jimmy her little bitch in the bedroom, which is something she read on her secret kindle library of smut. She’s deeply humiliated by her university-sized collection of femme domme erotica, and certain that along with her one-way ticket to hell, Jimmy would divorce her instantly or burn her at the stake if he went through her reading history.
Jimmy and Kendra have a few kids, and from the outside, their family is perfect. They even get a golden retriever (Jimmy is jealous of his collar and leash). But behind the instagram-grid, curated Christmas card version of their lives, Jimmy and Kendra have sex less and less, and eventually, they stop altogether. Kendra is always reading her Kindle. Years pass, and Jimmy wakes up one day as Jimbo. Before he can realize what’s happening, he’s Jim. Just Jim. Their years dwindle away as they grow further apart and deeper into their isolated shame, never realizing that they both are turned on by the exact same thing.
Bummer.
I know. It’s tragic. I’m bummed out, too.
How about an alternate ending?
After the first few times Jimmy and Kendra have sex, they can both tell something is off. They love each other so much, that much is clear. Jimmy finds Kendra to be the most beautiful goddess who ever walked the earth, and Kendra finds Jimmy to be a total hunk. They both think to themselves… If God destined us to be together forever, why can’t I tell my soulmate what I really want?
One day, Jimmy decides to go out on a limb and talk to Kendra. He wants her to feel the freedom to speak openly with him, and he knows from their shared religious upbringing that she’s too ashamed to talk about sex with him unprompted.
So, a few weeks into marriage, Jimmy gently prods, “Kendra… is there anything different you would want to do sexually? I promise as your husband to always love you, cherish you, and accept you, so you can feel safe sharing with me if you want…”
Kendra’s eyes widen, and then a mischievous spark dances across her face, just for a second. Silently, she gets up and leaves the room. Jimmy is flabbergasted, regretting his decision to open the conversation, until Kendra returns with her Kindle.
She hands it to him and tells him he’s been a bad boy, that he hasn’t done any of his reading, and that he needs to get started, immediately. She’s about a centimeter away from his face when she spits the syllables out, and at that moment, one of the most intimate and powerful bonds two humans can experience is formed. The Magic Circle of Play has been opened.
Magic Circle of Kink
Kink is the alchemy of transforming shame into play. To perform this transformative act, all participants must cast a Magic Circle of Play.
The term Magic Circle was coined by Dutch historian and cultural theorist, Johan Huizinga, in his 1938 book, Homo Ludens: A Study of the Play Element in Culture.
“All play moves and has its being within a play-ground marked off beforehand either materially or ideally, deliberately or as a matter of course. Just as there is no formal difference between play and ritual, so the 'consecrated spot' cannot be formally distinguished from the play-ground. The arena, the card-table, the magic circle, the temple, the stage, the screen, the tennis court, the court of justice, etc, are all in form and function play-grounds, i.e. forbidden spots, isolated, hedged round, hallowed, within which special rules obtain. All are temporary worlds within the ordinary world, dedicated to the performance of an act apart.”
In short, a Magic Circle is a fantastical world where play takes place, where new rules apply, and protecting the grounds of play is ritualistic and sacred.
Contrary to popular belief, there is no group of people that value sacred rules of imaginary worlds more than the BDSM and Kink community. Whatever your fetish is, however extreme, what separates kink from abuse is the Magic Circle. The 2013 documentary, Kink, gives viewers a behind the scenes look at one of the world’s largest producers of alternative porn, kink.com. In an interview, a videographer explains that anyone on set can yell the word ‘red’ and the entire shoot stops immediately, no questions asked. This means that not only can the performers end a scene at any time, but the videographers, director, grip, hair and makeup, hell, even the intern holding the light (imagine if that was really an internship) can yell ‘red’ if they feel like a boundary is being crossed on set. It’s a rule of the game, no exceptions.
The reason kinky people have communities in the first place is because they take boundaries, communication, support, aftercare, and nuance so seriously. Like any alternative community, the kink world draws in abusers and manipulators who refuse to play by the rules, or worse, twist them for their own benefit. However, as awareness and attitudes towards kink evolve and the internet makes information more accessible, BDSM communities around the world take increased measures to protect their own.
In short, a Magic Circle is a fantastical world where play takes place, where new rules apply, and protecting the grounds of play is ritualistic and sacred.
All Sex is Kinky
Power and control are always at play during any and all types of sex. Remember our kinky duo Jimmy and Kendra? In scenario one, when neither of them were honest about their desires, and therefore, had unsatisfactory sex for the rest of their lives, who had the power and control?
Shame did.
When shame has control, no one else does. Shame is the only thing powerful enough to destroy a Magic Circle of Play. Usually, it doesn’t need to, because it stops the Circle from being cast in the first place.
How did Jimmy and Kendra save their Magic Circle? Vulnerability. Vulnerability is the control shift from shame. It allows anyone to reclaim their power. All it took was Jimmy opening the door a crack, and Kendra kicked that puppy down with her 3” platform leather combat boots.
This is where the alchemy happens.
Once the power was back in Jimmy and Kendra’s hands, shame was cast out, and the Magic Circle of Play became fertile grounds for the newlyweds to explore, grow closer, and have bomb ass sex where they both get off. If that’s not a happily ever after, I don’t know what is.
In this imaginary scenario, Jimmy is submissive and Kendra is dominant. On the surface, that dynamic would imply that Kendra is the one with power and control. Jimmy gets off on handing his power and control over to Kendra. However, for them to both open a Magic Circle anytime, there needs to be rules, boundaries, guidelines, and space. Before communicating, Jimmy and Kendra were both powerless to their own shame, which forced them apart. After communicating and setting the framework of their own Magic Circle, they both have the power and control. They both can say what they like and don’t like, what they’ll try, and what they are not comfortable doing. They both have a safe word that halts play if it starts feeling bad for either one of them. They both communicate before and after play, and they both show each other aftercare, compassion, and love between playdates.
Imagine if every sexual encounter was treated with this level of care and communication? If all sex is inherently kinky, then all sex should follow the guidelines of a Magic Circle. This halts the vicious cycle of shame that has perpetuated violence and oppression for centuries. It would radically alter every aspect of life. At the very least, it would make sex way more fun and authentic for everyone.
Shame and Play: The Spectrum of Sex
Kink is sex without shame. Kink is alchemical and transformative play. So what is sex with shame?
Sex with shame had a lot of horrific outcomes, but the most widespread fallout of shameful sex are the things we don’t often talk about. It’s the reason why 59% of heterosexual women have admitted to faking an orgasm during sex, according to a 2019 study. It’s why nearly 10% of women never orgasm at all. Studies show that shame about sex can cause a disconnect between mind and body. It’s the root of homophobia and transphobia. It has perpetuated racist and classist systems of oppression since the dawn of humanity.
Sex without shame, when enthusiastically consensual and following all the rules of the Magic Circle of Kink, can be a transformative bonding experience (and it’s really fun). The more research done on kinky sex, the more psychologists find it to be a powerful mode of healing.
In the past decade, multiple studies uncovered the therapeutic benefits of kink and BDSM practices. Engaging in consensual power exchange, exploring fantasies, and embracing one's desires within the Magic Circle of Kink can promote self-discovery, empowerment, and improved mental well-being. Research has shown that individuals who engage in kink activities often experience increased self-esteem, reduced anxiety, and enhanced communication skills within their relationships. By prioritizing boundaries, consent, and aftercare, the BDSM community exemplifies the importance of establishing a safe and respectful space for exploration and play.
Closing Thoughts
In a society where shame and stigma still surround discussions of sexuality, embracing the alchemy of kink can lead to a profound shift in how we approach sex and relationships. When we break free from shame and allow vulnerability and open communication to guide us, we create an environment where authentic desires and boundaries can be acknowledged and respected. By viewing all sex as inherently kinky and treating it with the same level of care and intention as a Magic Circle, we have the potential to transform our sexual experiences into ones that are both pleasurable and deeply meaningful.
Ultimately, the journey towards embracing kink is a personal one. It is about discovering what brings us joy, fulfillment, and liberation in the realm of sexuality. As we continue to challenge societal norms and dismantle the harmful narratives surrounding sex, we can foster a culture that embraces diversity, consent, and the transformative power of play.
Let us cast our own Magic Circles of Play, free from shame, and embark on a journey of self-discovery and connection that celebrates the alchemical fusion of pleasure, liberation, and authentic expression.
Anti-Perfectionism is a publication by Liv Pasquarelli as an attempt to regain the magic, play, and chaos of writing by publishing whatever she wants. Thank you for reading. Consider subscribing or sharing.
This article came about during the research process for the RADAR DAO Play Report, in which I was a core contributor. Check out the report here.